


Running Out of Time

by mida_malek



Category: Matt Bomer - Fandom, Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:10:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16805008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mida_malek/pseuds/mida_malek
Summary: Something feels very wrong with this world, and Jared feels like they're running out of time to fix it... If only he could get through to Jensen...





	1. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

**Author's Note:**

> In order to see the artwork that inspired this work, you can use the link below.  
> https://jayleigh905.livejournal.com/991.html  
> Thanks to dear Jay for letting me work with her amazing artwork.  
> Hope you guys enjoy this mashup of a universe I made! :3  
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story. And these are fictional ideas, not based on real events, and we do not have anything against the amazing families of Ackles, Padalecki and Bomer. They are lovely families and this is just for our own fun.  
> Also, I just couldn't resist adding Matt Bomer to the story! :p  
> Note:  
> I do not own the songs.  
> Here you can find a list of the songs you should download and listen to as you read the story.  
> 1\. Shoulda, woulda, coulda - Hinder  
> 2\. Incomplete - Backstreet Boys  
> 3\. Foolish Games - Jewel  
> 4\. Not Strong Enough - Apocalyptica  
> 5\. Say Something - Christina Aguilera ft. A great big world  
> 6\. Remember Everything - Five Finger Death Punch  
> 7\. Still Broken - Plan Three  
> 8\. Permanent - David Cook  
> 9\. Burning House - Cam  
> 10\. Bound to You - Christina Aguilera

February 2016

Jared sat down behind the bar, staring at his own reflection in the dirty mirror behind the bottles and sighed, pushing his long bangs off his face. The bartender threw him a knowing look and smiled at him sympathetically.

“What’s your poison?” came the words and Jared tried for his best half smile.

“I’ll take beer, tap.”

“Sure. You in the army or police?”

Jared would ask why the assumption, if he didn’t already know the answer. So he reckoned he’d just lie.

“FBI.”

“Yeah, I thought so. You look like you’ve seen some real crap.”

“You would not believe, thanks.” Jared said, taking his beer and taking a gulp. He wasn’t really in the mood for talking, but he didn’t want to be an asshole either. So he settled for staring at his beer and hoping the bartender would get the memo.

“Not a talker, are ya?”

“No, not really I’m afraid.”

“Such shame.” The bartender winked at him and Jared just looked down, taking another sip and sighed.

“Yeah, sorry man.” And with that the guy seemed to get the gist and left Jared alone, letting him drown in his thoughts.

Today had been especially hard on him, taking down a nest of vampires on his own, and he couldn’t help but think how much easier this would have been with Jensen around.

It was odd, how certain hunts would just tear into his wounds and freshen the pain of losing Jensen all over again. And if that wasn’t enough, the music in the bar was sure to make him remember his doubts, make him rethink every moment from those days back when he was a teenager, make him feel like it was his fault.

**_“Before I hung up the phone_ **   
**_All I could hear_ **   
**_Was the dial tone ring in my ear_ **   
**_If I could go back in time_ **   
**_I'd say those three words_ **

**_I shoulda, woulda, coulda said it back to you”_ **

Jared could remember that damned phone call like it had happened yesterday, rather than eighteen years ago. He had been staring at the hourglass Jensen had left him, saying he would be back before the sands finished and he hadn’t. Jensen had promised. And Jensen always kept his promises to Jared. Or at least he had up until then. Up until Jared had broken his heart. Up until Jensen had called from the “House for boys”, rushed and hushed, as if he had been crying.

_“Jare, I don’t have long. I need to ask you something...”_

_“Jay? What’s going on? I thought Allen was picking you up?”_

_“He’s downstairs but Jare I have to... Sonny says I can stay and... Jared he says you can come stay with him too. I... I want you to come and we can stay here, go to school...”_

_“What? Jensen what are you talking about?”_

_“Look if you want me to come, I will... But Jared, here we can be together... Just you and me...”_

And Jared had known what Jensen had meant. He knew even before the next words had come.

_“Jared I love you...”_

_‘Me too!’_ should have been Jared’s response, because he did. Lord knows he had loved Jensen for as long as he could remember, but Jared had been young and scared, scared of what Gerald and Allen would think.

_**“And this can't be saved if you can't be found** _   
_**You hung up and left me for dead on the ground** _   
_**You didn't even say goodbye** _   
_**I shoulda, woulda, coulda said it back to you** _   
_**Shoulda, woulda, coulda said it back to you”** _

_“Jey, you know I’m with Gen...”_ was what he had said instead, almost hearing the sound of Jensen’s heart breaking into pieces, and then Jensen had hung up and that was it. Jared had never seen him, or talked to him again. Just like that, Jensen had told Allen to fuck off, and stayed with Sonny. And by the time Jared had grown up enough, grown brave enough to look for Jensen, Jensen was long gone.

  
**_“When you said those three words, I kinda freaked out  
When you said them first, my jaw hit the ground_**

 ** _Shoulda, woulda, coulda said it back to you_**  
 ** _Shoulda, woulda, coulda said it back to you_**  
 ** _And this can't be saved if you can't be found_**  
 ** _You hung up and left me for dead on the ground_**  
 ** _You didn't even say goodbye_**  
 ** _And this can't be saved_**  
 ** _If you can't be found”_**  


Jared had downed all his drink by the end of the song, but he was sure it wasn’t enough to get him drunk, not so much that it would explain the sudden dizziness that hit him, making him clutch the bar tightly as painful flashes of memories went through his head.

Flashes of Jensen and himself, but not the ones he knew from his memories. New ones. Or, different old ones as they felt like they had happened. But how could they have? _A twenty something Jensen kissing him. Holding his hand. A house with their photos on the coffee table._

“Dude you ok?” He was pulled away, strong hands holding him up as he tried to regain his footing, steading his breath.

“Yeah I, uh, I think I just need some rest.” He finally answered the concerned eyes, the bartender.

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea champ.”

Jared fished out his wallet, throwing a twenty on the bar and backing away, careful not to turn too fast.

He was half expecting the bartender to stop him, but thankfully the guy just let him go.

Jared needed to clear his head. That was all.

* * *

March 1st, 2016

_It’s Jensen’s birthday today. He smiled to himself, knowing before he opened his eyes that Jared was going to bring him his breakfast in bed, just like they always did on birthdays. He could almost smell Jared’s special pancakes, with bacon on the side. He was the luckiest guy alive._

Jensen opened his eyes, cursing under his breath when hit by the cold empty bed. _His_ bed. Not _their_ bed. It was almost a month since these stupid dreams had started, and the worst part, worse than the suffocating guilt, was how real they felt. How it felt like that was the reality and this, the life he was living, was just a bad dream.

Jensen dragged himself out of bed, taking his phone to check his notifications. He had three messages and about a million twitter notifications. Great.

He opened the first text message. It was from Misha.

“Happy birthday Jackass! Don’t forget tonight’s dinner.” Jensen snorted, before opening the next one from Danneel.

“I know I’ll see you tonight but I thought an early birthday wish can’t hurt. Happy birthday Jay. I’m happy to be your friend. And agent.” Followed by a wink emoji. He sighed, already dreading the dinner party. Before it even started.

“Hey babe, happy birthday. I’ll pick you up for lunch. Love you.” Jensen read the last text, feeling the guilt grow larger as he realized how disappointed he was by the name of the sender. Matt. Not Jared.

He bit his lip, slipping his phone in his pocket and moving to the bathroom.

He just needed a shower to clear his thoughts. That’s all.

* * *

Jared was fine. He really was. Yes, there were the occasional awful headaches with bizarre images of the two of them, but he had managed to get into a routine and had it under control.

Then he had turned on the damned TV in the shaggy motel room, hoping for some background noise as he did his research, and there had been Jensen Freaking Ackles. On the celebrity news. Just his luck.

“When did you become famous?” he asked the man on the TV, his heartbeat racing rapidly. The news was allegedly reporting seeing Jensen out having lunch with his, oh god, boyfriend, on his... birthday. Today was Jensen’s birthday. Jared hadn’t even noticed the end of February.

“Jensen and Matt seem to be having the best time, don’t you think Kelly?” The girl asked her colleague, her smile splitting her face in two.

“Yeah Sara. I’m very excited. Rumors say there’s a big party at Misha Collins’ house tonight for Jensen. Who do you think will be attending?”

“Well, we know for sure Matt Bomer is going to be there, they say he’s gonna ask Jensen to move in with him...” the girl, Sara, giggled and Jared just had had enough of this. He turned the TV off, realizing just then how stiff he’d gone.

Was it possible? All this time, all Jared had needed to do was turn on the TV and he would have found Jensen?

He turned around, sitting behind his laptop and started a very different research.

He needed to find out who this new Jensen was.


	2. Incomplete

May 2000

Jensen put down the guitar, looking up at Danneel through the window splitting the recording room in two.

“That was great Jensen, wanna come out and hear what we have?”

“Not really.” Jensen mutters to himself, getting up nonetheless, moving to the control room.

It hurt to listen to his songs. It reminded him how he was still pinning after Jared. It’d been two years already, and he hated how selfish he had been. He hated that he had left Jared alone with Allen and Gerald, in that god awful life.

He wondered if Jared had graduated from high school this year.

So when they played the song, Jensen only pretended to be listening. Just like he pretended to be satisfied with it, and like he pretended everything else in his new life.

He pretended there are no monsters in this world. He pretended he didn’t flinch every time a door was shot too loudly. He pretended he didn’t miss Jared.

“So, what are we naming your first single?” Danneel asked, smiling happily. So she’d liked it.

“I don’t know. I was thinking, incomplete?”

“Incomplete... I like the sound of that. I think this is gonna be a hit Jensen!”

Jensen pretended to care.

* * *

March 2016 

Jared was not obsessed. He was just ... he just needed to know. He needed to know everything. How Jensen had come out, where he lived, who he dated. He had to know if Jensen was actually happy. He needed to know if Jensen missed Jared.

That’s how he had ended up listening to every song, reading articles dating back to the 00’s, looking for clues. Some of the footage just broke his heart. Jensen claiming he had lost his family in a fire when he was young, having to grow up in a foster house, Sonny’s. Jensen tearing up when people asked who the girl behind his lyrics was, Jensen finally coming out on Ellen’s show in 2006.

Then Jared stumbled on Jensen’s first single. Apparently it had been a hit. _‘Incomplete’._ And Jared hit play.

_**“Empty spaces fill me up with holes** _   
_**Distant faces with no place left to go** _   
_**Without you within me I can't find no rest** _   
_**Where I'm going is anybody's guess...”** _

_**I tried to go on like I never knew you** _   
_**I'm awake but my world is half asleep** _   
_**I pray for this heart to be unbroken** _   
_**But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete”** _

Jared felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was like he could actually feel Jensen’s pain, just by listening to him sing. Jensen had never sang for Jared. Why hadn’t he? It was the most soulful voice Jared had ever heard.

_**“I don't mean to drag it on** _   
_**But I can't seem to let you go** _   
_**I don't want to make you face this world alone** _   
_**I want to let you go** _

_**I tried to go on like I never knew you** _   
_**I'm awake but my world is half asleep** _   
_**I pray for this heart to be unbroken** _   
_**But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete”** _

Jensen had felt guilty. Jared knew it now, how bad Jensen had felt after not keeping his promise, after leaving Jared and not coming back. After making Jared face this world alone. Jensen had felt guilty and Jared’s heart broke over that more than everything else.

It wasn’t Jensen’s fault. It was Jared’s. And Jared had to let Jensen know that.

Which brought up an important question.

How?

* * *

“Jay?” Jensen turned to face Matt, his attention piqued by the concern overlaying Matt’s voice.

“Yeah?”

“What’s going on with you lately?” Oh crap. He’d finally picked up on it. Jensen was not going to give in though.

“What do you mean honey?”

“I mean... something has been different with you these past few weeks. The way you kiss, the way your eyes seem distance when we have sex... it... sometimes it feels like you’re not even here...”

Jensen sighed, propping himself up on his elbow a little to face Matt completely.

“It’s nothing... I guess I’m just tired you know? And stressed out... about the tour and... and leaving home again...”

“I don’t... Look, I know you, alright? I know you think I don’t but... I know that this is not how you act when you’re stressed... this? This feels like your heart is broken...”

Jensen looked down at his hands, trying to find a way to avoid further queries.

“Is this about him?”

“What?”

“Jared! Is this about Jared?”

Jensen sat up completely at that, suddenly more angry than ashamed.

“Who the... how do you know that name?” deep breaths Jensen, just take deep breaths. Matt is not a demon or a shapeshifter or anything else. You’ve already tested him this week. And every other week before that.

“You say his name in your sleep...” Matt almost whispered, looking betrayed.

“Matt...”

“Jensen you know I’m not stupid right? I mean I went to university and everything!”

“Look...”

“Is this why we haven’t moved in? Why we haven’t ... Fuck Jensen, we’ve been boyfriends for almost three years! And we still live apart! And I’ve been trying to give you space, I’ve tried to understand but now this? It feels like I’m in a contest with a damn ghost, fighting someone who isn’t even there! So tell me Jensen, what exactly is it you want space from?”

Jensen slid his hand down his face, pinching the top of his nose as if to push away a headache. Matt was right, Jensen was trying so hard to keep the ghost of the past alive, that it was turning him into a ghost too. Matt deserved better than this. He deserved a whole lot better than this.

“Alright... Do you really want to know?” Jensen chanced a look, meeting Matt’s ‘Duh’ expression.

“Jared was... he was my first love. He was my everything...” A pause. A deep breath. He could do this.

“I didn’t lose my whole family in the fire... My dad and I walked away and... We moved around a lot, his work dragged him places and he had this... partner, Jared’s father. They would leave Jared and I alone to go work and I had to take care of him... we grew up together and I... I fell for him and I thought he loved me too but I was wrong... so I left and stayed with Sonny, and the rest you know...”

Jensen looked up, but Matt didn’t seem to be satisfied yet.

“A while ago, I started having these ... dreams you could say, dreams about him and myself, together, living a normal life... not like... not like what it was growing up! You know? And it’s so odd because, I haven’t seen him in years, and yet my brain seems to know exactly how he looks right now. It’s messing with my head, I’m not gonna lie to you... but, Matt, I love you, you know I do. And I care about us, I... I want a family with you. I really do... I just... I guess I just wanted to make sure all this is over with before I took the next step with you...”

Matt nodded once, like he was still going through the bit of information he was handed.

“Do you still love him?”

Jensen should say no. He knows he should, but... he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he? Was he not over Jared? Was he still in love with the boy he hadn’t seen in eighteen years?

Does Jensen still love Jared?


	3. Foolish Games

November 1998 

Jensen was so screwed! Royally, thoroughly and oh so definitely screwed! Allen was going to have his balls.

He cursed loudly as he pulled his hands apart forcefully, hoping the handcuffs would give.

They didn’t.

He, the always prepared for anything Jensen Ackles, didn’t even have his pin in his pocket today. And that was why Allen was going to kill him again after killing him once for getting caught.

He had come out to get (steal) food for Jared, because Jared needed food to be able to study, and the money their dads had left them was spent and gone and well Jensen was quick! He had left his hourglass, his only toy that had survived the fire, with Jared and promised to be back before it finished.

Jared must be going out of his mind right now.

“Shit!”

* * *

Jensen squinted his nose as he looked out of the car window, giving the old house a one over. Jesus. He couldn’t believe his father would let them keep him here for a month! Away from Jared! He was going to be climbing the walls.

“Get out son, we’re here.” The police officer said as he opened the door for Jensen.

“’m not your son.” Jensen mumbled. He dragged himself to the house, not really sure what to expect. The front door opened and a tall guy with a mustache smiled at them.

“Hey Carl. They told me you’re bringing me a new one.” He winked at the officer.

“He’s a tough one too Sonny!” the officer said back, rolling his eyes, which Jensen found offensive. He had treated these guys respectfully, you know, considering.

“Bite me!” He couldn’t help but to fight back.

“You must be Jensen then! I’m Sonny!” The man brought his hand forward as if to shake Jensen’s. Jensen had really wanted to act civil, hoping it’d result in them letting him go sooner, but he just couldn’t hold back the sarcastic comment.

“I’d shake your hand, but as you see I’m tied up!”

To Jensen’s amaze, the man started laughing, moving back from the door and gesturing them to go in.

“I like you Jensen!”

And if Jensen’s walls had moved down just a bit, it wasn’t his fault. It was the first time his sarcasm was not met with an angry “Respect you elders” or “That is not how I raised you boy!” in a very long time.

* * *

“Jenseeeeen!”

That was all the warning Jensen got before he was tackled by Danneel, the ever present best friend of Misha, Jensen’s roommate.

“Danneel! Get off me! I was sleeping for heaven’s sake!”

And before he had time to push the redhead off, he heard another yelp of his name and was tackled again, this time by Misha himself.

“Goddammit Danneel! I told you I wanted to wake him up!”

“Oh you just want to be closer to the pretty boy Misha!”

“Get off me you asshats! Both of you!” Jensen shouted at them, masking the blush that had creeped up on him after the comment. He gave them a nudge, pushing them both off and sat up, grabbing his T-shirt and putting it on in a blink.

“All I ask for is to be left alone when I’m sleeping! I think that’s not much guys!” He whined.

“Yes and we normally let you be, but JENSEN!!”

Jensen rolled his eyes at the excited shouting and sighed.

“What do you want?” He figured the sooner he gave them what they were after, the sooner they would leave and let him sleep. It was only seven thirty and he could sleep till nine. It was his day off of the morning chores.

“We want to know who this is about!”

Jensen sat up straight. Shit!

“What?”

“This!” Danneel said as she pushed a piece of paper in Jensen’s face.

Ok, Jensen could still get out of this. They didn’t know it was his. Right?

“I don’t know what that is!” He lied through his teeth, and so unprofessionally that if his father had heard it, he would probably have disowned him.

“COME ON!” Misha yelled again and Jensen gave up his scheme. What was the point of secrecy anyways? He was going to leave the place in three weeks and would never see them again.

“Ok fine. It’s mine.”

“No shit Sherlock! We already knew that part!! Who is it for?”

Jensen looked down at his hands.

“No one! It’s just something I thought of and wrote down. It sounds stupid anyways!”

“Try again Shakespeare! It’s actually very good! And it’s most definitely about someone! So spill it! Who is it?”

Jensen looked up at Misha, hating the spark of hope in his heart.

“You think so? You think it’s good?”

“DUH! And not only you’re gonna tell us who it is about, you are going to play it for us too! I wanna hear how it sounds!”

Jensen rolled his eyes.

“Where did you guys even get that? Do you always go through the garbage? I mean I knew you acted like kittens Misha, but I didn’t know it was this bad!”

“HAHA! Sarcasm in point Jensen! Nice try, but you can’t run from us!” Danneel answered, standing above Jensen now, her arms crossed.

“Jared! His name is Jared! And it’s very complicated!”

“Wait, Jared is a boy name! Isn’t Jared a boy name?” Danneel turned to look at Misha, for some reason even more excited now.

“Come on Dan, don’t make him uncomfortable!” Misha hissed at her, moving to sit by Jensen’s side on the bed.

“Who’s Jared?”

“My...” Jensen paused. What was Jared to Jensen anyways? His best friend? His crush? His brother? Jensen snorted at that last idea. Definitely not his brother.

“He’s my best friend. Our dads work together.”

“Ohhh! And you’re secretly in love with him??!” Danneel asked, still too excited for Jensen’s liking.

“Uh... I wouldn’t call it that...”

“It’s what the song says! Come on, play it for us!!” Misha said, grabbing Jensen’s hand and pulling him as he stood up. Jensen was strong enough to knock him out and just get this over with on the spot, but he was trying to act nice, so that they would let him go sooner, remember?

“Jesus! What is it with the two of you?” is what he mumbled as he gave in, letting Misha pull him outside to the music room and cursing himself inwardly for not disposing of the piece of paper more thoroughly.

He sat down on the couch and took the guitar from Danneel a little too forcefully.

“This better get you guys to shut up about this!” He gave them both a daring look and took the paper from Misha, feeling a shiver run through his body.

That was weird. But he just shrugged it off, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. He tried the chords once before starting to play.

**_“You took your coat off and stood in the rain,_ **

**_You're always crazy like that._ **

**_And I watched from my window,_ **

**_Always felt I was outside looking in on you._ **

**_You're always the mysterious one with_ **

**_Dark eyes and careless hair,_ **

**_You were fashionably sensitive_ **

**_But too cool to care._ **

**_You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say_ **

**_Besides some comment on the weather._ **

****

**_Well in case you failed to notice,_ **

**_In case you failed to see,_ **

**_This is my heart bleeding before you,_ **

**_This is me down on my knees, and..._ **

****

**_These foolish games are tearing me apart,_ **

**_And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart._ **

**_You're breaking my heart._ **

****

**_I hid my soiled hands behind my back._ **

**_Somewhere along the line, I must've got_ **

**_Off track with you._ **

**_Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,_ **

**_Somebody who gave a damn,_ **

**_Somebody more like myself._ **

****

**_These foolish games are tearing me apart,_ **

**_And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart._ **

**_You're breaking my heart.”_ **

Jensen felt weird. Like, he didn’t have a word for it but it felt like a good feeling.

“Wooow! That sounded even better than I imagined!” Danneel half whispered, as if under a spell.

“Jay, you sound really good! Anyone ever tell you that?”

“Shut up!” Jensen tried to hide the blush. Dammit.

“Does he know? You ever ask him how he feels?”

“Ok I’m already regretting this! Back off!” Jensen stood up, putting down the guitar.

“Jay...”

“I said back off Misha!”

* * *

Jensen wasn’t sure about this. He didn't' even know how Jared would feel about this.

Misha and Danneel had had three weeks to brainwash him and honestly, Jensen had stopped resisting after the first few days. He had liked it here, even though he missed Jared a great deal.

And that could be fixed right? If only Sonny let Jared come and stay here with him, then Jensen would have everything he needed, he could be normal and maybe become a rock star, like he always told his mom he would be.

With that thought, he knocked on Sonny’s door.

“Come in.”

“Hey man, uh, you got time?”

Sonny looked up at him from his paperwork.

“Sure Jensen. What’s wrong?”

Jensen closed the door behind him, moving to sit on the chair facing Sonny’s desk. He could do this.

“Uh nothing, nothing is wrong, I just... I thought about your offer, to stay here... and I have a question...”

Sonny gestured for him to go on.

“So, my dad has a, uh, a partner, from work, and they go on... trips ... together, and the guy, has a son, Jared, who’s my responsibility. They always leave him with me and it’s been that way for years and he’s just 16 and well, I was wondering if he could come and stay with us... if I decided to stay that is...”

Jensen was not blushing.

“Oh...” Sonny frowned.

“I honestly don’t know Jensen. I have to call a few people and check, because you see, jared didn’t get into trouble so we have to make a case and take him away from his father, if he is seen unfit to be a parent to Jared that is. It would be a long process but, I think it’s possible...”

Jensen was frowning because all those words were saying was “Maybe” and that was not enough for Jensen. He couldn’t leave Jared behind, even if that new girl he was dating, Gen, was really starting to bug the hell out of Jensen. Maybe especially because of her. Something felt really wrong with her. It was like every time Jensen called Jared was with her. Like she was deliberately trying to replace Jensen.

“That’s not good enough for me Sonny! I can’t stay here without Jared!”

“Let me make a few calls son, ok? Then I can give you an answer for sure.”

Jensen nodded as he stood up. He could do that.

“You have until tomorrow. My father is going to pick me up tomorrow night and if Jared can’t come, I have to go with him...”

Sonny nodded in understanding and that was all Jensen needed from him.

He closed the door behind him, praying to all the gods that the answer would be yes.

* * *

Jensen was angrily packing his stuff, while Misha stared at his back.

“You don’t have to leave Jay!”

“You know exactly why I have to leave, Mish. Jared needs me! And Sonny hasn’t given me an answer yet and my fucking dad is down there, waiting for me and...”

“Jensen...”

“Misha... Please stop. I can’t...”

Jensen pulled his backpack, the one Danneel and Misha had bought him on his first week, on his shoulder and turned to look at his friend.

“I’m gonna miss the hell out of you and Dan!” He said, feeling no shame in stating his feelings. He was going to miss that too.

And just like that, the tears appeared and it felt like gates of hell had opened up. Jensen was crying like a baby and he was faintly aware that Misha was holding him, caressing his back and saying he would miss Jensen too.

Mish and Dan were the only people who knew about Jensen’s feelings, and they didn’t judge him, they didn’t hate him for it. And Jensen had to leave them behind and go to a house where no one knew, and no one could know, because they would judge, they would hate if they knew.

“Jensen...” he heard Sonny’s voice.

“What?” Jensen answered angrily, pulling away from Misha and wiping his face with his sleeves. Very efficient.

“I talked to the lawyer and the sheriff and they say it’s a yes. Jared can come. It would need your and his own statements and a long process but he can stay here while that goes on and... yeah. It’s possible.”

“What?” Jensen repeated himself, this time more bewildered and less angry. Jared could come?

“You heard me! So what are you waiting for? Call the boy!”

And Jensen did. He was so sure Jared would come.

He just knew Jared would say yes to him.

He always did.

Right?


	4. Not Strong Enough

December, 1998

It’s Christmas Time, and Jensen misses Jared.

He misses Jared so much that he’s thinking about leaving and going back to his father, begging him to take him in again. He feels this pull towards Jared, like being here alone is wrong, like it’s not how it should have been, and Jensen can’t scratch the itch.

He wonders if Jared thinks about him too, or if he’s too busy fucking Gen!

God Jensen hated that girl so much, he couldn’t help but to blame all this on her.

“You sure you don’t want to come with us Jay?” Misha pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah man, I hate picking trees! It reminds me of my asshole brother and I’ll just miss him and I can’t deal with any more people I miss today.”

“Alright, well, just give me a call if you think of anything you need.” There it was, the pity in Misha’s voice, the pity Jensen was getting used to hearing these days from both him and Danneel.

It’s like they were both waiting for him to collapse and break.

And he might just do that too.

“Go Mish! Before Danneel come up here and starts mother-henning me.”

Jensen watches as Misha flips him off and leaves, disappearing down the stairs.

He’s going crazy here. He needs to do something with himself, before he starts punching people. Most probably Misha.

That’s how he finds himself back in the music room, playing with the old guitar that used to belong to Sonny. It was funny how playing it just came to Jensen naturally, how he remembered everything from when he was younger and Josh had tried to teach him. Jensen would always yell and tell him that he didn’t need to learn to play. That Josh would always be there to play for him, and all Jensen needed to do was sing.

He smiled to himself, feeling the nostalgia burn in him just a bit more. Turns out he missed Joshua anyways, Christmas tree or not.

He wasn’t sure how long had passed as he finished the song he started writing. He wasn’t sure why he wrote these stuff anyways. It wasn’t like he was going to send it to Jared, so why write them?

_**“I'm not strong enough to stay away** _   
_**Can't run from you** _   
_**I just run back to you** _   
_**Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame** _   
_**You say my name, but it's not the same** _   
_**You look in my eyes I'm stripped of my pride** _   
_**And my soul surrenders and you bring my heart to it's knees** _

_**And it's killin' me when you're away** _   
_**I wanna leave and I wanna stay** _   
_**I'm so confused, so hard to choose** _   
_**Between the pleasure and the pain** _   
_**And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right** _   
_**Even if I try to win the fight** _   
_**My heart would overrule my mind** _   
_**And I'm not strong enough to stay away”** _

He wanted to be stronger, he really did. He wished he would just somehow let go, or decide to go back. It felt like he was stuck in purgatory, never sure how deep into hell he would fall if he let go. 

**_“I'm not strong enough to stay away_ **   
**_What can I do?_ **   
**_I would die without you_ **   
**_In your presence my heart knows no shame_ **   
**_I'm not to blame_ **   
**_'Cause you bring my heart to it's knees_ **

**_And it's killin' me when you're away_ **   
**_And I wanna leave and I wanna stay_ **   
**_I'm so confused, so hard to choose_ **   
**_Between the pleasure and the pain_ **   
**_And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right_ **   
**_Even if I try to win the fight_ **   
**_My heart would overrule my mind_ **   
**_And I'm not strong enough to stay away_ **

**_There's nothing I can do_ **   
**_My heart is stringed to you_ **   
**_And I can't break free_ **   
**_Look what this love's done to me..._ **

**_And it's killin' me when you're away_ **   
**_I wanna leave and I wanna stay_ **   
**_I'm so confused, so hard to choose_ **   
**_Between the pleasure and the pain_ **   
**_And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right_ **   
**_Even if I try to win the fight_ **   
**_My heart would overrule my mind_ **   
**_And I'm not strong enough to stay away”_ **

He put down the guitar, belatedly aware of the presence of two other people in the room. He could almost hear his father’s voice yelling at him.

‘ _Dammit Jensen! Where is your damned head? These could be monsters for all you know. How could you let your guard down like this?’_

“Dude!! You wrote that?”

Danneel’s voice brought him back to the present time.

“I, uh, yeah... I just... I was bored I guess...” Jensen stood up but before he could take a step Misha was blocking him.

“Na-uh! You’re not running away Jensen! Sit down, we want to talk to you!”

“Oh God, this isn’t an intervention is it? Because lemme tell y’all...”

“Shut up you big baby! And sit down.” Danneel cut him short and pushed him back down on the old sofa.

“We need to talk about your songs and your voice and your general rock star vibe! We are not going to let you waste away your talent here!”

“What in the heaven are you even saying?” Jensen frowned, annoyed at the accusation that he was wasting his talent. What talent?

“We’re saying that I’m going to book the recording room downtown for you this week and we’re not going to leave there until you’ve recorded and finished at least three of these songs you’ve been playing here and then we’re going to send them to record labels and they’re gonna love it and you’re gonna be super rich and famous!”

“Come on! You don’t really... you can’t possibly think you can drag me down there!” Jensen protested.

“She can’t but I can!” Misha responded and it sounded stupid to Jensen because how could Misha possibly do that?

“And how might that be?” Jensen regretted asking that question before he was even done. Misha tackled him and started tickling his sides which was not fucking fair, Jensen had really sensitive nerves and oh God.

“Ok, ok! Fine! You win!” He surrendered.

“You Win!” He said out of breath and laughing too hard.

“Jesus fucking Christ Mish!” Danneel laughed, clearly amused.

“When you said you could persuade him this was not what I imagined.” She snorted and Misha got off Jensen, laughing himself too.

“I told you I knew his weakness didn’t I?” Misha responded, too pleased with himself.

“That’s just not fair you asshole!” Came Jensen’s response.

But deep down, he was thankful for his friends. Maybe, just maybe, he could make it through this.

* * *

June, 2013

Jensen opened the door to his studio, half expecting to get jumped by Misha. He knows he’s going to be hear, expecting to hear everything.

It was Jensen’s third date with Matt and Misha was freaking out more than anyone else.

“Jay! You’re home! How did it go? What are you gonna do? Talk to me!”

Jensen threw his coat on the nearest chair and went to get a beer out of the fridge.

“Hello to you too Misha!” He smirked, withholding the information he knew Misha was dying for.

“COME ON JENSEN!” he shouted and Jensen snorted, opening his beer bottle and sitting on the counter, facing Misha who had walked all the way to his side.

“It was fine Mish! We had dinner and talked, that’s all.”

Misha rose his eyebrows in doubt, somehow calling Jensen’s bullshit without so much a word.

“Come on dude, I’m like 32! I’m too old for kiss and tell!” Jensen nagged, getting Misha to laugh and if that wasn’t enough to brighten Jensen’s mood, nothing was.

“So you like him?” Misha asked, his stupidly blue eyes staring into Jensen’s soul.

“I don’t know... I mean, sure, yeah, he’s really hot and I mean he’s beautiful too, and talented, he’s a better actor than you are so that’s a step up!”

“Hey! We never dated you punk! He can’t be a step up from ‘me’!” Came the protest and Jensen smirked, bathing in the glow of his success.

“You know what I mean!” He said playfully and Misha smiled at him knowingly, leaning on the counter beside Jensen.

“What are you gonna do? Is there going to be a fourth date? You know that’s what you guys agreed on. If you go on the fourth date, it means you’re willing to try this with him!”

“I know Mish, believe me I know... the part that I don’t know, is whether I want it or not...”

“What is it you’re so afraid of Jay?”

“You know what...”

“I really don’t! Because if this is about Jared, so help me God...”

“You threatening me doesn’t change the fact that it IS about Jared!” Jensen half yelled, making Misha flinch.

“I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to yell at you I just... Misha, what if I start something and he comes back? Or worse, what if I start this with Matt and I find myself waiting for him to come back years after? I just... how can I start something new with Matt, when deep down, something inside me is constantly telling me I belong with Jared, that this is wrong?”

“Jay...”

“You don’t know how it feels Misha! I left him behind, I left him with those god awful parents of ours, and I was selfish and I can’t be selfish again, I can’t bring Matt into this mess!”

“Look, I get that you’re scared Jensen, but as you mentioned before, you’re 31! It’s been 15 years and there has been no signs of Jared, nowhere. Don’t you think if he was to come back, if he even remotely felt anything for you, even as a friend, that he would at least have sent you a text message? Something?”

“I... it’s a two way street Mish. I could have picked up the phone too...”

“Yeah you could have, but you didn’t! Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know...”

“Maybe, it’s because you can’t forgive him Jensen... Maybe because, you want to let him go, and you just feel guilty! Maybe, it’s because you know there’s no chance for you to be with him and you can’t just go back to being his friend...”

Misha was harsh, and he knew it too. But he had watched his best friend suffer through years of loneliness and he was done standing by.

“So you’re gonna sit down, and you’re gonna be frank with yourself, and you’re gonna figure this out Jensen! Because I am done watching you throw away your life like this! You hear me?”

Jensen nodded once, putting down the bottle and sighing.

“Yeah... I hear ya!”

“Good.”

* * *

Jensen isn’t sure exactly how to work through his shit, all he ever did was run from it, feel guilty about it and bury it deep underneath, where not even himself could see it.

But that wasn’t good enough anymore. He liked Matt, he really did, and he knew Matt would fight for him too. He had agreed to Jensen’s weird dating rules, and he had been willing to wait for Jensen to work through his shit. If there was someone who was worth it, it was Matt.

But Jensen can’t just ... stop. He can’t just let go of Jared, of the memory, not when it felt so wrong.

But maybe Misha was right, maybe guilt is all that feeling was.

But Jensen had to make sure.

He had to give this another chance before he could let go.

So he fished out his phone and dialed Jared’s number, not even sure if the man still used the same old number he had back then or not. The call went straight to voicemail.

“Hey Jare, it’s me! Jensen. I, uh, I know it’s been years but I was wondering if you wanted to go get a cup of coffee and catch up? You can reach me at my old number. Hope I hear from you...”

He listened to the beep, ending his message and sighed, throwing his phone on the bed.

And the waiting began.

Jensen waited for two weeks, kept telling himself maybe Jared was on a hunt, maybe he stuck somewhere with no signals, maybe he was busy.

About three times he thought about the possibility that Jared might just be dead. And three times, he panicked so hard he had to drink himself to sleep.

And at the end of the week, Jensen thought to himself, maybe Jared just didn’t want to see Jensen.

Maybe, it was time to let him go... Maybe it was time to give up on the dream that they could ever be together...

_**“Say something, I'm giving up on you** _   
_**I'll be the one, if you want me to** _   
_**Anywhere, I would've followed you** _   
_**Say something, I'm giving up on you** _

__**And I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all**

__**And I will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl...”**

And Jensen knew how to deal with heartbreak, he knew how to take that feeling of despair, and turn it into something others would understand.

_**“Say something, I'm giving up on you** _   
_**I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you** _   
_**Anywhere, I would've followed you** _   
_**Say something, I'm giving up on you** _

__**And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye...”**

So he wrote a song, and he cried while he wrote the song, and he said goodbye, as he cried through the song.

_**“Say something, I'm giving up on you** _   
_**And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you** _   
_**And anywhere, I would have followed you** _   
_**Oh, say something, I'm giving up on you** _

**_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
Say something...”_ **


	5. Still Broken

May 2016

Jensen stepped on the stage, biting his lip nervously. He wasn’t nervous about the show though, this he had done hundreds of times before. This he knew how to handle.

He was going through motions, barely aware as he played his guitar, moved around the stage, and sang his set list, one after another.

_**“Oh, dear mother, I love you** _   
_**I'm sorry, I wasn't good enough** _   
_**Dear father, forgive me** _   
_**'Cause in your eyes, I just never added up** _   
_**In my heart I know I failed you** _   
_**But you left me here alone** _

_**If I could hold back the rain** _   
_**Would you numb the pain** _   
_**'Cause I remember everything** _   
_**If I could help you forget** _   
_**Would you take my regrets** _   
_**'Cause I remember everything”** _

This one was one of his early hits, one of the songs he’d written when he still cared about his father. When he still had guilt over leaving the life, over not avenging the death of his mother, brother and sister.

**_“Oh, dear brother, just don't hate me_ **   
**_For never standing by you or being by your side_ **   
**_Dear sister, please don't blame me_ **   
**_I only did what I thought was truly right_ **   
**_It's a long and lonely road_ **   
**_When you know you walk alone_ **

**_If I could hold back the rain_ **   
**_Would you numb the pain_ **   
**_'Cause I remember everything_ **   
**_If I could help you forget_ **   
**_Would you take my regrets_ **   
**_'Cause I remember everything”_ **

When he still hoped for Jared to come for him, to find him and stay with him.

**_“I feel like running away_ **   
**_I'm still so far from home_ **   
**_You said that I'll never change_ **   
**_But what the fuck do you know_ **   
**_I'll burn it all to the ground before I let you in_ **   
**_Please forgive me, I can't forgive you now_ **   
**_I remember everything...”_ **

When he was still angry, still heartbroken, and still confused.

_**“It all went by so fast** _   
_**I still can't change the past** _   
_**I always will remember everything** _   
_**If we could start again** _   
_**Would that have changed the end?** _   
_**We remember everything...”** _

But tonight, he was nervous about what was to come after the show, and he wasn’t confused anymore.

He was nervous about his dinner with Matt tonight.

He was nervous about asking him to move in.

* * *

Jared was here. It was a cheap move, he knew it too, but it was the only plan he could come up with that didn’t alarm everyone around the globe of the man who assaulted Jensen.

Because he was sure Jensen would not take seeing him well. Not after everything.

So he was outside Jensen’s dressing room after his show in Huston, sporting a Jensen merchandise hoodie, as a fan who would really love to see Mr. Ackles. At least close enough to get past the security and to Jensen.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

It felt like he was going to die.

“Come in!” Came Jensen’s honey like voice, ever kind to his fans. Jared would smile if he didn’t feel like the kindness was stolen from him! If he suddenly didn’t feel like this should be his life, everyday filled with Jensen’s kind voice, and just like that he was hit by another wave of memories.

_Jared knocked on a door similar to what he’d just seen, the door opened and Jensen jumped him, pulling him inside to a deep kiss that took Jared’s breath away. “I fucking missed you baby!” Came Jensen’s words and Jared was going to melt at the spot. He was so lucky to be married to Jensen._

Jared was hanging on to the doorknob and felt like he was going to be sick.

“Hello?” Came Jensen’s voice and before Jared had a chance to run away, the door was open and there he was, Jensen Ackles, staring at him like he was seeing a ghost. Well, not exactly a ghost, because that wouldn’t be so surprising to Jensen, even if he hadn’t been hunting for 18 years.

Fuck. It had been 18 years, and they were just staring at each other.

“Jared...” Jensen almost whispered and Jared felt like he was going to die. What was he thinking? Why was he here? What exactly could he tell Jensen after 18 fucking years?

“Jensen, hi.” For a split second, Jared was sure Jensen would punch him. The Jensen he knew, would punch him so hard he’d wake up the next Sunday.

But Jensen didn’t punch him, instead he bit his lip and pushed his hair back, as if to buy himself time to think his next move through.

“Wow, you’re... tall!” Was what he finally said, tilting his head to the side and eyeing Jared down.

“I... Yeah... it bugged the shit out of Allen too...” Jared chuckled, feeling a strange familiarity. How was that possible?

Jensen flinched at the name though, as if he hadn’t heard it in years.

He probably hadn’t.

“They told me a fan was coming to see me. I take it that was your cover?” Jensen smirked, trying to make Jared uncomfortable.

“Well, if it helps I have become a fan of your... music.”

“Uh-ah!” wow, talk about awkward.

“So... can we talk?”

Jensen looked back at his empty dressing room and then to Jared again.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea Jared... Whatever it is that brought you here, I’m sure you can handle it on your own. I’m done with that life.”

Oh. Jensen thought Jared was there for a case. Crap.

“Actually, I’m not here for a case. I just... I wanted to talk to you... I know this is a long time coming, and maybe too little too late, but, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything Jensen.”

Jensen bit his lip, something Jared could remember he did when he was nervous, or sad, and wanted to hide it.

“What, Sarah left and you suddenly remembered you had a friend?” And there was the nasty comment.

“Sarah was gone before that school year finished Jay...”

“Don’t! Don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that anymore Jared. Not anymore!”

Wow. This was not how Jared had pictured this to go. He’d expected Jensen to be... kinder, maybe more open to Jared’s apology.

“Why are you here? What do you want?”

“Can we... Look, I just found out about you, about your new life and I... I listened to your songs, and I realized that you felt guilty over leaving me and I wanted to...”

“What? Rub my face in it?”

“What? NO! Would you stop? I’m trying to be nice here! I just wanted to tell you that it was my fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty!”

“NICE? You’re trying to be NICE? What makes you think I need you to be nice to me Jared? Damn well it was your fault! I was ... Jesus Jared, who do you think you are to tell me if I should feel guilty or not? I don’t! I haven’t felt guilty in three years! You know why? Because I realized, you just didn’t care about me, none of you did! Not you, not your dad, not even Allen! So why should I have felt guilty?”

Jared had backed up, not sure how to handle this angry, no, furious Jensen. He was sure other people were hearing this conversation and that was really not ok.

“Jensen, calm down!”

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me to calm down Jared! I called you, I left you messages, even after you broke my... and now that I’m finally moving on, you’re here to say sorry? I can’t... I don’t wanna talk to you... Just leave...”

“Jensen please just...”

“Jensen? What’s going on baby?” Came the voice and as if electrocuted, Jared and Jensen both stopped, turning to find Matt there, looking at Jared suspiciously.

“Who’s this?” Matt asked Jensen, as if Jared was an “it” and not a “who”!

Well Jared was not going to become nobody! He wasn’t going to let Jensen live not knowing how Jared felt about him, had always felt about him.

“I’m Jared Padalecki! I’m Jensen’s...”

“Jared!” Jensen’s voice sent chills all over Jared’s body and he stopped, alarmed.

“Jared? _THE_ Jared?” Matt asked, eyeing Jared down, like he was trying to decide if he could take Jared in a fight.

Hell no, he couldn’t. Not on his best day.

“Matt, Jared was just leaving.” Matt turned to look at Jensen.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just give me a second with him, and then we can go get to our plans.” Jensen smiled at Matt, and something turned in Jared’s stomach at the sight, making him feel _wrong._ Matt seemed to be satisfied and stepped back, giving him somewhat of a privacy.

“Do you see that guy over there Jared? He’s my boyfriend, and I’m asking him to move in with me tonight. So unless you have anything more to say, I’m afraid this is goodbye.”

“What happened to you Jensen?” Jared asked, for some reason feeling betrayed, cheated on. All he had wanted was to talk to Jensen, tell him he was sorry.

“You know what Jared? YOU! You happened to me! Where were you when I was going out of my mind, trying to figure this out? Where were you when I needed you? Now you don’t get to come into my life, asking for forgiveness. Just... Leave!”

And Jared would have fought for him, he really would but Jensen had a point. Jared had missed his chance and coming here was just a big mistake.

What was he even thinking?

* * *

Jensen was going crazy. Over Jared. Again.

Just when he had thought he’d be out for good, Jared fucking Padalecki thought it was ok to show up.

Jensen knew he had over reacted. He had played this scene out in his head thousands of times, and never in any of them he’d lashed out on Jared like that. It was just that the way Jared had looked at him, with vulnerability and sadness, Jensen had felt his heart give, and he couldn’t, he just could not deal with that tonight. Not when he was about to ask Matt move in with him. 

So Jensen had lashed out, knowing he was closing a door that would never be opened again, deliberately ruining any chance he’d have with Jared. He loved Matt, he cared about Matt, and he knew for a fact Matt loved him back, where with Jared, Jensen knew nothing. He didn’t even let Jared speak, because Jensen didn’t want to, he could not know how Jared felt.

Either way would have brought up issues Jensen was done dealing with.

It was time for him to finish this act, and start the next chapter of his life.

With Matt.

And yet, he couldn’t let go of the dark feeling seeping through his veins, the feeling of _broken_ and _wrong._ As if he was supposed to take another path, as if this wasn’t the natural order things should go with him and Jared.

Well, to that Jensen will say, fuck the natural order.

Matt had gone to make sure Jared would leave. It was odd to Jensen, how Matt had stood up for him, and it was odder that Jared had let him. Jensen knew for a fact that Jared could hit Matt unconscious in a heartbeat. But he hadn’t.

And as he sits in his dressing room, waiting for Matt to come back and pick him up, he picks up his instrument, the ever present prop in his times of sorrow and uncertainty, and started playing, just trying to calm his nerves down.

_**“Is this the final scene in our tragic play** _   
_**Only curtains remain to fall** _   
_**There’s no reason left to stay in this place** _   
_**We move backwards against the wall** _

**_Conversation’s over, communication’s dead  
The monologue is taking over_ **

_**I’m still broken** _   
_**I took you in with arms wide open** _   
_**My color fades to grey** _   
_**There’s nothing left to say** _   
_**Now it’s all dead”** _

Jensen didn’t even know how he started writing, but he supposed it was fair. Jared had always been the muse to his music, and it was only poetic that letting him go, would be the muse to the last song in this part of Jensen’s life. And he couldn’t hide how betrayed he felt by Jared either, letting it seep into the song.

_**“Are these the final cries of our aching souls** _   
_**How come yours don’t make a sound** _   
_**With broken wings we’re falling faster as we go** _   
_**Somehow we don’t touch the ground, no, no** _

**_You had me torn to pieces, you got inside my head  
But I’ll be here until it’s over_ **

_**I’m still broken** _   
_**I took you in with arms wide open** _   
_**My color fades to grey** _   
_**There’s nothing left to say** _   
_**Now it’s all dead** _   
_**I’m still hoping that we can find the words once spoken** _   
_**My senses bound to break** _   
_**How long are we to wait** _   
_**‘Til it’s all dead”** _

He needed to get this all out of his system.

_**“I will not cry I will not break,** _   
_**How can we live if it’s all dead** _   
_**I will find you, you will find me** _   
_**I will not fall, still it’s all too late”** _

Because one way or another, he was going to do it tonight.

Ask Matt to move in with him.


	6. Permanent

August 2016

Jared can’t realize where he went wrong. He just can’t scrub the feeling of wrong away, and God damn it, he’s trying. He has thrown all his belongings on his bed, cleaning every gun, every machete, every blade, once, twice, and still it doesn’t feel right.

He stares at the bed, avoiding the one object he’s been avoiding all night, hell, all these past 18 years.

It’s almost like there’s an energy coming off it, drawing Jared in. The old hourglass.

Something piques his interest this time though, something odd.

The hourglass is on its side, and somehow the sands are still moving from one bulb to the other, as if it was standing and counting.

“What the hell?” Jared said to himself, reaching forward to take the hourglass, suddenly able to pin the source of the _wrong_ feeling.

As soon as his fingers touched the hourglass, he was thrown into a flood of images, a lifelong worth’s of memory hitting him.

_Jared tells Jensen he loves him back, he goes and lives with Jensen at Sonny’s. Jared kisses Jensen for the first time. Jensen graduates from high school, they have sex for the first time, Jared graduates from high school, Jensen sings for Jared the first time, Jared gets hurt on their last hunt together, a witch case, he wakes up in the hospital with Jensen singing him the most beautiful song, they stop hunting afterwards, Jensen publishes his first album, they get married with Misha as Jensen’s best man and Danneel Jared’s..._

Jared lets go of the hourglass, falling back on the bed and panting heavily.

He could still remember the song, singing in his head clear and loud, even though he hadn’t heard the whole thing in the flashbacks.

**_“Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?_ **   
**_Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry_ **   
**_And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today_ **   
**_Will you think that you're all alone_ **   
**_When no one's there to hold your hand?_ **   
**_And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary_ **   
**_Rest your head_ **   
**_I'm permanent...”_ **

And if that wasn’t weird enough, he could also remember the witch’s daughter’s face, the one who had injured Jared in the memories after they’d killed the witch.

**_“I know we used to live in hell every single day_ **   
**_And so I ask, oh God is there some way for me to change his fate?_ **   
**_And when they say it's all touch and go_ **   
**_I wish I could make it go away_ **   
**_But still you say_ **   
**_Will you think that you're all alone_ **   
**_When no one's there to hold your hand?_ **   
**_When all you know seems so far away_ **   
**_And everything is temporary,_ **   
**_Rest your head_ **   
**_I'm permanent...”_ **

It was Gen.

**_“_** **_Is the moment where I look you in the eye?  
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry.”_ **

Jared felt sick, and he couldn’t stop staring at the hourglass, not daring to touch it again.

And the sands were still running, and just watching that made Jared feel like... Like he was running out of time.

But, out of time to do what?

* * *

It’s been two days and Jared keeps finding more things wrong with the situation he’s in. Like how he knew how Misha and Danneel look like when he’s never met them, and then there was always running hourglass. Jared is realizing now he’s never seen the thing finish, ever.

He wants to talk to Jensen, he needs to, but after last time, he’s not sure how exactly he is going to do that.

So he just packs up, getting in his car and starts driving to the next best place to find answers.

He drives to Sonny’s. Maybe he can get a hold of Jensen, get him to listen to Jared.

He drives nonstop, and pulls up at Sonny’s door about 8 A.M next day. He thinks about waiting in a motel room till until later in the day, but just can’t bring himself to stall any longer.

So he gets out, and walks to the door, knocking on it.

* * *

Jensen’s on his way to Misha’s, annoyed and a little worried. Danneel had called him about twenty minutes ago, telling him to meet her at Misha’s as soon as he could, and she hadn’t answered Jensen when he’d asked about the reason.

Matt was visiting his family this weekend, and Jensen had been wanting to spend some time with his own, but this was a little odd.

As soon as he parks and sees a third car there, his suspicion grows and he hesitantly knocks on the door, taken aback when Sonny opens it.

“Sonny!” He exhales, moving to hug the man, just realizing how long it has been.

“How you doin’ Jay dog?” Sonny smiles at him, moving back to gesture him in.

“Come on in.”

“Dude what are you doing here?” Jensen says excited now. This was the reason why Danneel had asked him here, right?

“I had something important to do in town.”

Jensen walked inside, his smile freezing on his face when his eyes fell on Jared.

“What the hell?” He said, his tone accusing.

“Jensen...”

“What is he doing here?” Jensen cut Sonny’s words, staring at Danneel.

“Jensen, stop being a baby and listen to him! It’s important.”

“No! I’m not going to listen to him, and you guys need to start explaining why the fuck you’ve trapped me here like this.”

“Because of this!” Jared finally broke his silence, and Jensen was going to snap at him before his eyes fell on the old hourglass Jared was holding.

“It won’t stop running!” Misha says.

“What?” Jensen was not following this.

“Please give me ten minutes to explain, and then you can decide what to do.” Jared pleaded, displaying his puppy eyes he knew Jensen could never have resisted. 

“You have ten minutes!” Jensen said, turning to Misha and Danneel, “And you guys still have to answer to me about this later!”

“So, about six months ago, I started having these weird I don’t know what to call them, visions, like hazy memories of another lifetime. Except they all included you, but not as I remembered you as a teenager, more like the way you look now, and living together.”

Jensen felt his breath hitch, frowning as he realized that would be...

“Around the time your dreams started!” Misha completed his thought and Jensen would punch him if he wasn’t internally freaking out.

“So at first, I thought it was just my sorry ass, making up scenarios to fill the hole, but then a week ago, I was cleaning my... stuff,” Jensen didn’t miss the second it took Jared to avoid saying weapons.

“And I realized the hourglass was running even though it was on its side, then I remembered I’d never seen it stop. In the past eighteen years, it has never stopped running. And so I picked it up, to inspect it, and, it felt like my life flashed before my eyes, but not this life, a life where I would have ... where you and I were together.”

“In the flashes, I saw Misha and Danneel, I saw where Sonny’s place was, that’s how I found him, and there was this song, you’d written for me that I’ve never heard, and yet I knew it by heart! And there was this case we had been working, a ... thing,” Another pause Jensen didn’t miss.

“And Gen was involved, she hurt me and you saved my life and... Jensen I feel like something is very wrong here, with this whole reality, and I think deep down you can feel it too, and I look at this damned hourglass and I can’t stop feeling like...”

“We’re running out of time?” Jensen finished uncontrollably. He could feel it too, from the first second he had laid eyes on the thing today.

“You... feel it too, right?” Jared asked hopefully, and it would break Jensen’s heart if he still gave a damn. He had Matt now, he couldn’t just leave his life with Matt behind and chase a stupid story.

“Maybe! I still don’t get the point you’re trying to make Jared!” Jensen was lying. He knew it, and Jared knew it too.

He also knew that Jared wouldn’t say what he meant in front of the others.

“My point, Jensen, is that I believe Gen was a witch, like her mother, and I think she’s put a curse on us!”

Ok, maybe Jensen was wrong about that part.

It made sense though, Jared’s theory, but it still didn’t change the fact that Jared had chosen Gen over him. Witch or not.

“You knew what I think Jared? I think you are a coward, and you can’t live with the choice you made, and you’re trying to pin it on someone else! One way or another, you had a choice, and you chose Gen! If you would only have chosen me if you were alone, then I’m really glad you didn’t!”

Jensen stepped away from Jared.

“Your ten minutes are up. And I’m leaving!”


	7. Burning House

September 2016

_Jensen runs inside the house, the flames already clouding his view as he tries to enter their room. He knows Jared is in there, he must have been asleep when the fire started._

_Jensen can’t open the door with the handle, it was burning hot, so he kicks the door open, coughing as a new wave of smoke and hot air hits his lungs. Jared is on the bed, as if tied to it with invisible ropes, and Jensen tries, he really tries to pick him up, but he’s not strong enough._

_Jared was burning. Just like his family had._

****_“I had a dream about a burning house  
You were stuck inside  
I couldn't get you out...”_

_But Jensen was not going to be the sole survivor of another fire._

**_“I laid beside you and pulled you close  
And the two of us went up in smokes...”_ **

_Jensen held Jared’s hand, feeling his tears more than seeing them. Just like he always felt Jared’s sorrow._

**_“Love isn't all that it seems_ **   
_**I did you wrong** _   
_**I'll stay here with you** _   
_**Until this dream is gone...”** _

Jensen woke up panting heavily, soaked in sweat and ... tears, in the middle of the living room. He couldn’t believe it happened again. This was the fourth night in row that he was sleepwalking, dreaming of hazel eyes burning up in unnatural fire.

“Jay? Baby what’s wrong?” Jensen heard Matt’s voice from the bedroom’s doorway, calling him out worriedly as he turned on the light. This was bound to happen at some point. Matt was going to notice something was wrong, that Jensen was having problem sleeping.

“I, uh... I’m fine honey! I just... new house I guess. Can’t really sleep well...”

“You sure that’s just it?” Matt asked, clearly not convinced.

“Yeah babe, that must be it. Why don’t you go back to bed? I’ll drink some water and join you Ok?”

Matt just nodded, still suspicious, and went back to the room.

**_“I've been sleepwalking_ **   
_**Been wondering all night** _   
_**Trying to take what's lost and broke** _   
_**And make it right** _   
_**I've been sleepwalking** _   
_**Too close to the fire** _   
_**But it's the only place that I can hold you tight** _   
_**In this burning house”** _

What was that song? Jensen kept hearing it in his head, and it felt like one of his own too. But how was that even possible? He would definitely have remembered writing a song, right?

Except maybe, this Jensen didn’t write the song? Maybe another Jensen wrote it, a Jensen that lived with Jared, had a room with Jared.

**_“I see you at a party and you look the same_ **   
_**I could take you back** _   
_**But people don't really change** _   
_**Wish that we could go back in time** _   
_**I'd be the one you thought you'd find”** _

Jensen started writing down the lyrics on his notepad, wanting to get it all down before it slipped away from his mind again.

But this part seemed like something this Jensen would write, a Jensen who was still angry with Jared, still heartbroken about Jared choosing Gen over him. A Jensen who wasn’t Jared’s “the one”. 

**_“Flames are getting bigger now_ **   
_**In this burning house** _   
_**I can hold on to you somehow** _   
_**In this burning house** _   
_**Oh and I don't wanna wake up** _   
_**In this burning house...”** _

So maybe, there was a way that these two Jensens became one.

Maybe it was time for Jensen to do one last hunt. A witch hunt. He just had to figure out a way to talk to Matt about it.

After all, how hard could that be?

* * *

“You wanna what?” asked Matt, frowning and clearly trying to control himself.

“I have to find out what’s happening Matt! You just heard everything I told you right? Does that make any sense to you?”

“Well, that’s just it! It doesn’t! I don’t understand how you’ve come to the decision of going on a trip with _Jared_!! Really Jensen? You think that will help our situation here?”

“My situation!” Jensen corrected him.

“What?” Matt’s voice suddenly was more like a whisper, which should have alarmed Dean a little.

“It’s my situation, not ours!” But apparently his brain hadn’t gotten the memo.

“Your situation? So now we’re not a ‘we’ anymore? And you haven’t even left yet! Does this sound like a good idea to you Jensen? Because to me, it just seems like another one of your games to get away from me!” So they were back on half yelling their sentences now.

Jensen took a deep breath, collecting himself before he started talking again. He stepped closer to Matt, taking his hands in his own.

“Look, I need to find out what this all means! I love you, and I love our life together, but Matt, I can’t go on like this, not knowing what happened, not knowing where the dreams come from... I can’t even sleep anymore! And I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to ask for but, you have to trust me, trust that this is about me, and not Jared!”

“Jay... I just... I don’t want to lose you. Not to Jared, not to crazy dreams, not to anything... Not when I just got you...” Matt’s blue eyes looked so sad that it was almost enough to keep Jensen, to change his mind.

Almost.

“I know honey, I know. And you won’t. Alright? I promise.” And Jensen was going to keep his promise too. Because either they would find this witch, Gen, and end all this stupidity or he would realize it’s just what it is, Jared choosing someone else over him, where Jensen would come back home to Matt.

“I promise.” Jensen whispered again before kissing Matt, as if to seal the deal.

* * *

Jensen pulled over in front of the shady motel, where Jared was staying and turned off the engine, his thoughts moving too fast for him to make sense of them.

“Alright, here goes nothing!” He said to himself, getting out of the car and moving to Jared’s door.

He knocked softly, thinking to himself that he did not miss the motel rooms at all.

The door opened slightly, hazel eyes looking through the small crack to find out who was behind the door. And then the door opened all the way, hazel eyes wide in shock.

Hazel eyes that haunted Jensen’s dreams every night.

Hazel eyes Jensen had missed staring into so much.

“Jensen! What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to get some answers!” Jensen said as he pushed past Jared and walked into the dark room. How did motels manage to have such dark rooms during the daylight?

“You... wait, you want to hunt down the witch?”

“If by the witch you mean your ex then yes, I want to figure out what’s happening.” It was a low blow, and Jensen knew it. But he just couldn’t help himself. He had to defend himself against those hazel eyes.

“She’s not... never mind. I’m glad you’re here.” Jared forced a smile and Jensen’s heart twisted at how wrong this felt. Jared shouldn’t be smiling at him by force. Jensen shouldn’t be hurting him like that.

“God, this is such a mess!” He mumbled under his breath, mostly to himself.

“You tell me!” came the response, with a more genuine smile this time.

“So... what do we have? As you know, I’m a little out of practice, so it would be great if you gave me an update. What kind of a witch do you think it is? And how do we find her?”

Jensen watched as Jared moved to the desk, where a stack of papers and weapons made a big mess. Just like Jared to have everything in a mess.

“I see you haven’t learned to manage your stuff yet!” Jensen teased, remembering how he’d always be so hard on Jared as a teenager.

It felt like such a long time ago, and yet also felt like it all had happened yesterday.

“Screw you! Sit down so I can tell you how professionals work!” Jared teased back, making Jensen snort.

“Wow, touchy on the subject huh?” Jensen’s comment was met by a glare from Jared.

“So I think she must have used the hourglass for the spell, since it’s in the center of all that’s happening, and I’m pretty sure that’s why she was there that night, she had insisted on coming over and studying. I think she wanted to have her hands on the object.”

“What night?” Jensen asked, already knowing the answer.

“The night you called... from Sonny’s...” Jared looked down ashamed, and for a split second, Jensen could see the little boy he’d left behind all those years ago.

“Right... which means, she was in the right place at the right time, where a big decision was being made, where she could easily change the course of time.”

“Basically, yes.”

“So why don’t we just break the hourglass and break the curse?” Jensen frowned.

“I don’t think it would be that easy. It would probably just make the change permanent or something. And there’s also another bit of info you need to know.”

“What?”

“The hourglass seems to be nearing the end of its time.”

“What? I thought you said it never stops running?”

“It never has, but look at it, the sands on the top bulb are almost finished, and it doesn’t matter how hard you turn it, they don’t run back the other way. It’s almost as if...”

“It’s all the time we have to break the spell.” Jensen finished Jared’s sentence, feeling dread run through him. What if he was too late? What if they didn’t have enough time to do it now? What if Jensen’s stubborn attitude had cost them both everything?

“Basically, yeah...”

“How long do you think we have? Approximately?”

“I don’t know... maybe two weeks, three weeks top.” Jensen nodded.

“What’s the plan?”

“Uhh, the plan... right. Well, I have found a tracking spell, I was hoping to use it on the hourglass to track the person who put the spell on it.” Jared said, handing Jensen a piece of paper with the spell on it.

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ here...” Jensen frowned, trying to read the scrambled writing. Jesus, would it kill these hunters to write like normal human beings?

“But, I can’t do the spell. Neither can you.”

“What? Why?”

“Because, we were affected by the spell, and that might through the tracking off. It has to be done by someone who... wasn’t affected.”

“Like who?”

“Like Misha. Or Danneel. They are both in our lives now and were in our lives before too. It seems like those two are the unchanged people in the scenarios.”

“NO! We are not getting them involved in this shit! We can just ask another hunter!”

“Jensen every hunter I know, I either wouldn’t have known in the other life, or they hated both of us for leaving the life. They have been affected by the spell too.”

“Dammit!” Jensen breathed. Jared was making sense and Jensen hated it. He had sworn not to ever get his friends mixed up with hunting.

“Are you sure this is the only way?”

“It’s the only lead I’ve got, and I’ve been searching for months...” 

Jensen nodded.

“Alright then, I guess I have to call them.”

* * *

“You want us to do what?” Misha asked, his eyes wider than Jensen ever remembered. Danneel was taking this better though.

“You’re pulling our legs aren’t you?” She snorted. Ok, maybe she was taking it as a joke then.

“Uh, no. We’re not.”

“So what you’re saying is, magic is real, monsters are real, you used to hunt them, Jared still does, and that you guys are cursed by a powerful witch and now need our help to track the witch? And you expect us not to think you both lost your minds?” Danneel was speaking so fast that it made Jensen’s head spin.

“Basically...” Jensen smiled sheepishly. It always did the trick with Danneel for him.

“Nope! You don’t get to smile your way out of this one Jay! This sounds crazy! Tell him Mish!” Danneel looked at Misha for support.

“I don’t know... I mean it would kind of make sense wouldn’t it?” Misha said. He always did have an over active imagination, which was going to come in handy today!

“You’re not helping me here! I could wrap my head around the never ending hourglass, somehow, but this is too much!” Danneel snapped at him and Misha ducked his head a little.

“Hey! No need for violence!” Jensen meddled.

“What if we prove it to you? I mean, you do spell, if it works, well it’s proof that we are not crazy and if it doesn’t work, we’ll just call it our mistake and you guys can leave and we will find another way to solve our problem.”

Misha looked at Danneel before shrugging.

“I think that sounds fair.” He said, as if waiting for Danneel’s permission.

“Jesus! Fine! But I swear if this is all a joke, I’m so going to kill you Jensen!”

“Point taken!”

So they got to work, with Misha on painting duty, drawing the sigils on the cloth Jared handed him with what he was told was red paint, and was in fact lamb blood, and Jared teaching Danneel the words to the spell. Jensen was reading more on witches, trying to update his knowledge.

There was a small part of him that really had missed this. The exhilaration, the fun, the sense of making a change. And Jensen was trying hard to shut that part up. He was done with this life for good. This was the last time he ever hunted, whether the spell works or not.

“Alright, I’m done!” Misha’s voice startled him out of his thoughts, and he looked up to find Danneel walk into the painted area.

“One more time, why does she get to do the spell and I was out on painting duty?”

“Because my Latin is much better than yours and your painting is much better than mine.” Danneel answered not that patiently. Jensen couldn’t blame Misha for mimicking her.

“Alright, so let’s go through the plan again. Danneel says the spell, she will be shown the place of the witch, we find her, we make her reverse the spell.”

“I do have one tiny question. How are you going to make her reverse it?” Misha asked.

“By threat.” Jared responded very matter of factly.

“And if she still doesn’t budge?”

“Then we kill her! With our witch killing bullets. That usually does the trick and lifts the spell.” Jensen responded this time, and the look Misha threw him was priceless.

“And to think I slept with my back to you all those years!”

“Shut up! I had you both tested the first day, and every week after that. As long as you guys were human I wouldn’t have been a threat to you!” Jensen shrugged.

“Wait, you tested us? For what?”

“Everything. Had to make sure you were humans. Normal humans.”

“Wow...” 

“Alright, enough chitchat, let’s get this moving.”

* * *

Jared had no idea how angry he would be when he finally met the woman. He was taken aback by it just as much as everyone else, and he really was trying to hold it together but Gen, she was not making it easy on him.

It was odd to him how calm Jensen was though.

As if this witch hadn’t destroyed everything they had had.

“What is it Jensen? You don’t seem to be that upset over being rid of Jared!” The witch hissed, as if she could read Jared’s thoughts.

“What I don’t understand is why. Why did you go through all this trouble to break us apart?” Jensen avoided the question, making Jared’s heart heavy with fear. What if this was never going to be fixed?

“Why? Because you assholes killed my husband! You broke us apart, and I was supposed to what, just let it be? I couldn’t just sit by and watch you move on, living a happy ever after. So I put a blood spell on Jared and went back in time, to where he was going to say yes to you, and I poisoned him, I whispered doubt in his ears, I made him scared of what could happen to him without his father. You see Jensen, that way, you two would never have hunted us down, and killed my husband.”

Jensen nodded once, his face pulled in a deep frown, and then out of nowhere, he punched the tied up witch, making her move in the chair dangerously.

“Hey! Jensen calm down!” Jared held his arms, pulling him back so he wouldn’t punch her again.

“You son of a bitch! Who gave you the damn right to...”

“Hey! Jensen, it’s ok. We have her. We just have to make her stop the spell.” Misha tried to calm him down. But Jensen was furious. He wanted to hurt the bitch, wanted to make her scream.

“I’ll do it!” Gen’s voice snapped everyone out of it, drawing the eyes on her.

“What?”

“I said I’ll do it. I’ll make it all go back to the way it was, but under one circumstance.”

Jared looked at Jensen, seeing uncertainty there, matching his own thoughts.

“What makes you think you get a say in this?”

“I need you to kill me afterwards!”

Ok, that took an unexpected turn. Jared was not expecting that.

“What?”

“You heard me!”

“But why? I mean, not that I have any complaints but...” Jensen had wanted to kill her anyways.

“Look around you! Do you see him here?” and that’s when it hit Jensen. Why she wanted to die.

“What happened? Changing out past changed yours too?” he gave her a twisted smirk, satisfied at the idea that the witch was hurting just as much he was.

“He... We were happy, everything was fine, but then one day, he decided he didn’t love me anymore... he said I had changed, that I wasn’t the Gen he had fallen in love with...”

“Let me guess, it happened after you came back from your trip to the past?”

“You know what? Screw you asshole!”

“Alright! I’ll do it.” Jared finally chipped in, ending the exhausting dialogue.

“I’ll kill you when it’s all over and done! Put you out of your misery.”

The woman nodded once.

“Now get me out of this ropes so I can get to work!”

“Woah, woah, woah! Nobody’s untying you! We don’t know what you might do.” Jensen was not buying this act.

“I just told you what I was gonna do!”

“Yeah and I said I didn’t trust you! So I guess you’re gonna have to do it tied up”

“Jensen...” Jared started talking.

“What Jared? You really gonna trust this bitch?”

“She can’t do a spell like this!”

“Well that’s just really inconvenient for her isn’t it?”

“Jensen! Would you stop being a baby and just listen?” Jared yelled at him, making him go silent.

“We can have the gun on her while she works, and we will shoot if she so much as speaks the wrong word, alright?” Jensen took a second to think about it.

“I don’t like it!”

“I don’t like it either, but it seems like we don’t have a choice.”

“I could just shoot her right now!”

“That wouldn’t break the spell!” Gen answered that one.

“How do we know that for sure? Maybe you’re just saying that to get out of those ropes and put another spell on us, kill us for good!”

“Because, it was my insurance policy you clown! This was I was making sure you wouldn’t kill me if you found out, and look at that, I was right to do it!”

“I thought you wanted to die?”

“Not back then I didn’t want to!!” she yelled at him, and Jensen could hear the pain in her voice, took one to know one, right?

“Alright fine! Just get this over with...”

“Wait, Jensen... what happens to Matt if she undoes the spell?” Misha posed an important question.

“Shit... right, Matt, what does happen to him?”

“Nothing, it would be like he never met you, you guys will go back to being happily married, still rich, in your house, and Matt will be with his husband and three children, living his own life. Trust me he was happier when he didn’t know you!”

Jensen felt that tug at his heart. Matt would be married to someone else, never even knowing what he had with Jensen.

What did he have with Jensen? A broken shell of a man, always in doubt, always second guessing, usually taking him for granted.

Maybe the witch was right. Maybe Matt would be better off without Jensen.

He wished he could hear his voice again though, tell him he loved him one last time. But what was the point?

“And us? Will we remember all this?”

“I’m not sure. You might remember them as memories like you did here, or you might remember everything, or nothing at all. I can’t tell how the spell affects your memories. I just have to make sure you remember that you have to kill me.”

Jensen sighed.

“Alright. Do it!” 

* * *

Jensen remembers everything. He knows it the second he opens his eyes in their bedroom, sitting up to find Jared sleeping beside him.

“Jared... wake up.” He shakes his husband. Wow, it used to make him so happy to call Jared that. His husband. He remembers that now too. But now, it felt so foreign to his brain. The idea of Jared being his husband.

Maybe his brain just needed time to sort through the two sets of memories he has now of the past. Maybe time will make it better.

Maybe he just needs to try.

“Jared, honey... wake up!” he shakes Jared harder and that does the trick, Jared sits up in the bed, only then representing to Jensen just how naked he was.

“Dude! You’re naked!” Jared almost yelled, drawing Jensen’s attention to his own state of nudity.

“Well so are you!!” Jensen yelled back. It would be so funny if he wasn’t freaking out. He took a deep breath, steadying his thoughts and tried to reach for his other set of memories, the ones that seemed to be further away from his reach, older ones maybe?

“I think, we’re naked, because ... we had sex last night?” And just like that, it felt like a flood of images hit him, memories fresh in his head, and oh God, he was hoping Jared wouldn’t notice...

“Dude, are you getting hard?” that.

“Shut up! Close your eyes so I can get up and put on something!” he pushed Jared over, making the covers roll off of his bottom half and holy shit, Jensen was not going to let this go.

“I hate to break it to you but it seems to me that you’re very excited about the fact that I’m hard!” He said as he was getting off the bed when long arms wrapped around him and pulled him back to the bed, pushing him down on the mattress and before he knew it, Jared’s gigantic body was hovering over him, his long hair like curtain around his face, and those beautiful hazel eyes staring into his with hunger.

Jensen was sure if he wasn’t hard already, this would have definitely piqued his interest.

“What... what are you doing?” Wow, was he panting already?

“I’ve missed you Jensen...” Jared’s eyes were pleading, filled with tears, as if he was battling his own two sets of memories.

Jensen understood. There was a part of him that remembered having sex with Jared just a few hours ago, and there was a part that had never even kissed Jared.

There was a part of him that just wanted to reach up, kiss those chapped lips and the beautiful jawline, taste his husband, wanted to reach and feel Jared’s hole, probably still loose from last night. And there was a part that was still heartbroken, that needed more time.

“I know Jare... but I can’t... I’m sorry... I’m, I’m just not ready...” He was trying to look anywhere but into Jared’s eyes. He couldn’t just pretend he hadn’t been fucking someone else for the past three years. Even though he had been fucking Jared too from what he remembers.

It was all just too much and he needed time to figure it out.

Jared seemed to understand though, which was a good thing, as he started to move away from Jensen, pulling the sheet around him to cover himself as he darted his eyes away from Jensen’s body.

“I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that...”

“It’s ok... we both just need some time...” Jared nodded and Jensen got off the bed, dragging the pillow to his front, trying to cover himself.

“I’m going to get a quick shower if you don’t wanna go... and then we have to go find that witch. We still have to kill her...”

Jared just nodded once more, not looking up until after Jensen disappeared in the bathroom.

This was going to be pain in the ass.

* * *

Jared has always loved this about Jensen. Whenever he couldn’t explain how he felt, he would just start making and writing music in his head, and Jared always got to be a part of that process, he was always the first one to hear the new music, and he loved it.

Except now, Jensen was feeling pain, heartbreak, and doubt. And Jared could hear the melancholic melody as it was made, he could hear it in the shower, as Jensen was getting undressed in their room.

**_“I burn for you every time I hear your name_ **   
_**When I think I see your face, I know, it must be madness** _   
_**I feel the sting striking at me like a match** _   
_**Anything to bring you back if only for a moment** _

**_I can feel your slow burn growing in me_ **   
_**Everywhere I go, you're right there with me holding on, ever long** _   
_**Wish I could forget I could not remember** _   
_**All I have left is the ash and embers** _   
_**Permanent, smoldering”** _

Is that what Jared was doing? Smoldering him? And Jared wondered, what was it Jensen wished to forget? The other life he had been living? Or this one?

**_“I fall apart like paper put to flame_ **   
_**The life we had reduce to ashes right before us** _   
_**Every hurtful word, burned into my side** _   
_**Much too hard to speak, scarred too deep to hide...”** _

But it wasn’t reduced to ashes, was it? Hadn’t they just saved their life together? Their love? Hadn’t they just won and killed the witch? We’re they supposed to just feel... good?

_**“I can feel your slow burn growing in me** _   
_**Everywhere I go, you're right there with me holding on, ever long** _   
_**I walk the fire, I feed the flame** _   
_**I'd walk the fire, I'd feel your flame** _   
_**I'd walk the fire, I'd feel your flame, feel your flame...”** _

Maybe not. Maybe all Jared was doing was hurting Jensen? Maybe this was too far gone to be saved. Maybe Jared should just give Jensen some time?

But how was he supposed to leave those apple green eyes behind? How was he supposed to let go of those beautiful, full, pink lips, those amazing tanned muscles, the beauty that was Jensen?

Now that he remembered how it felt to have Jensen buried deep inside him, how was he supposed to just walk away from it?

_**“Just like a slow burn, stay with me forever** _   
_**And I can't let you ever fade away** _   
_**Just like a slow burn, lay with me forever** _   
_**Our light it shines forever, never fades away”** _

Wait a minute, was Jared hearing that right? Was Jensen asking him to stay? 

**_“Just like a slow burn, stay with me forever_ **   
**_I can't let you ever fade away_ **   
**_Just like a slow burn, say you'll never let me down_ **   
**_Please never go out, my slow burn, burning me down...”_ **


	8. Bound To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared finally musters up the courage to talk to Jensen. And it was about damn time if you asked Jensen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT!!! Beware! I gave them a happy ending! :3 graphic descriptions of making love involved.

“Jensen?” Jared finally dared to talk, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah?” Jensen looked up from where he was lying down, clearly ready to sleep after a hard day. More like a hard week.

“We didn’t talk about the sleeping arrangement. Do you want me to sleep on the couch?” He figured this would be the best start.

“Don’t be stupid! Why would I want you to sleep on the couch Jared?” Jensen prepped himself on his elbow, trying to get a better read on Jared.

“I... I don’t know how much space you need...” Jared looked down at his hands, trying to run from the Jensen’s searching eyes, those apple green eyes that always took his breath away. 

“Alright, that’s it. We need to talk about this.” Jensen sat down fully, scooting a little closer to Jared.

“Look at me...” Jensen said softly, smiling when Jared jumped as he reached for his chin, pulling his head up.

“I love you. That’s the first thing you need to know.” Jared nodded. That was good. That was a start. But it also felt like it had a huge ‘but’ following it.

“And I know I was a little freaked out in the morning, but... I had time to think and go through my memories, the ones we made here, in this place, the ones we made back at Sonny’s place, and I figured out something very important.” Jared wanted to dart his eyes again, the green was becoming too much to handle for him.

But Jensen had a firm hold on him. Like he wanted to make sure Jared saw the emotion in his eyes as he talked. It was odd to Jared too, a few days ago, he was this tough hunter, a lone wolf you might say, who could single-handedly take down a vampires nest, and now, it felt like the balance of his world was in Jensen’s hands.

“What is that?”

“I shouldn’t blame you. I should blame myself. Jared, I was selfish when I called you that night and asked you to come and stay with me! I was so selfish that... I had no right to ask you to leave your dad, and not just that, you had to go to court and talk against your own father. I had no right to put you through all that, to ask that of you... and I don’t blame you for having doubts, I don’t blame you if you ever decided to say no. I understand it now...”

“Jensen... I never doubted how I felt about you, I never meant to hurt you, or make you feel like you were second best, like you weren’t the sun and the moon to me! You... God Jensen, as soon as I said no I regretted it, but I was sure you hated me, that you wouldn’t take me back if I came... I was so sure that...”

“How could I ever hate you Jared? How could I ever have hated you?” Jensen was now caressing Jared’s cheeks with his thumb, just as he had the first night Jared had spent at Sonny’s, scared and terrified, of the world full of monsters they had to face without their dads, of the unknown future ahead of them.

“I should have come back for you... and I’m sorry I didn’t...” Jensen whispered and Jared was suddenly aware of how close Jensen was. He could count the beautiful freckles on Jensen’s nose, and he was the moist on Jensen’s eyelashes, threatening to fall any second.

“I... may I?” Jensen asked, just as he had the first time they had kissed, and in a way, this was their first kiss.

“Yeah...” he managed to get out before he was lost in the warmth of Jensen’s lips touching his, soft and full and Jared couldn’t stifle the moan escaping his mouth. He pushed his fingers through Jensen’s hair, pulling the older man to himself and Jensen moaned, opening his mouth slightly, like an invitation Jared was not going to refuse. He pushed his tongue inside Jensen’s mouth, licking his teeth and the corners of his mouth before their tongues entangled and Jared was about to lose his mind.

“I love you...” He whispered between kisses and he could almost feel the effect it had on Jensen, as Jensen pulled him a little closer and then pushed him back on the bed, reversing their places from that morning, and before Jared could catch up to his brain, he was trying to get Jensen out of his clothes.

“I love you too...” Jensen smiled into their kiss and pulled away momentarily, pulling his shirt off and throwing it to the corner before he did the same thing with Jared, giving them both more skin to rediscover, and Jared was lost in the feeling of touching Jensen’s skin, feeling the hard muscles move under his touch as Jensen moved to kiss his neck and chest, as if Jensen was trying to map his body with kisses and Jared moaned louder at the thought of that.

He reached down to Jensen’s dark ashy sweats and tried to pull it off, happy when Jensen helped him and then did the same with his own, leaving them both in their boxers, the thin straps of moonlight uncovering both their hard-ons .

“Jensen... I... I need you... in me... please...” Jared didn’t care if he sounded needy, hell he was needy! It felt like he was burning inside for Jensen, and by the way Jensen hurriedly pulled off their boxers, he could feel the burning desire too.

“Fuck... Jared... Baby, you sure?” He whispered in Jared’s mouth as he kissed him, and Jared nodded.

“Yes. Jay, I need you to fuck me like you mean it... please...” And Jensen moaned loudly, feeling like he could come just listening to his Jared talk, just his voice and words were enough to push Jensen over the edge. But Jensen wasn’t ready for that yet, he needed to feel more, to feel his dick pull against Jared’s walls, needed to experience how it felt for himself, just as if it was the first time.

He vaguely remembered where they kept the lube in the nightstand, and once he had it, he didn’t waste any time. He coated his two fingers in the lube and pressed against Jared’s hole a little, letting the boy get used to the cold.

“Do it...” Jared panted, as if just the idea of Jensen’s fingers inside him was making him breathless, and Jensen started pushing his fingers in, kissing Jared’s moans out as he worked his way inside, pushing in further and prepping his baby ready for what was next going to come.

“’m ready Jay... please... need you to fuck me... ‘m ready...” Jared panted into his mouth.

Jensen slowly pulled his fingers out, rearranging his position to have a better angle, pulling Jared’s legs up and kissing his calves as he lined himself up with his husband’s hole.

“I love you Jared...” he whispered against Jared’s skin as he pushed inside, the sound of their moans tangling in each other and before he knew it, he was buried deep inside Jared, the intense sensation driving him to see stars.

“Oh God baby,,, feels so tight...” Jared remembered Jensen saying the exact same words their first time.

“Move... please move...” Jared said, overwhelmed with how full he suddenly felt. He needed more friction.

And Jensen delivered, pulling out almost all the way and slamming back inside him, the slow drag making Jared see stars and then Jensen shifted a little, hitting that sweet spot and Jared wasn’t moaning anymore, he was yelling Jensen’s name.

And as if that wasn’t enough to drive him mad, Jensen grabbed his dick and started stroking it, just in rhythm with the push and pull of his dick inside Jared’s ass.

“Fuck Jay, that feels so good...”

Jensen kissed Jared’s thighs, his knees, and everything felt so Jared that it was going to be the end of Jensen, like Jensen was bound to Jared.

Jared knew he couldn’t hang on any longer, and by the way Jensen’s movement had sped up, his husband felt the same way.

So with one of Jensen’s drags, Jared let go and he came so hard, he could feel his insides throb and clutch Jensen’s dick, making Jensen come inside him, and together they rode their orgasms down, Jensen still kissing him through it all.

 **_“Sweet love, sweet love_ **  
_**Trapped in your love**_  
 _**I've opened up, unsure I can trust**_  
 _**My heart and I were buried in dust**_  
 _**Free me, free us...**_

**_You're all I need when I'm holding you tight  
If you walk away I will suffer tonight...”_ **

Jensen was singing to him, and Jared felt like he could hear the songs in his heart.

 **_“So much, so young, I've faced on my own_ **  
_**Walls I built up became my home**_  
 _**I'm strong and I'm sure there's a fire in us**_  
 _**Sweet love, so pure**_

**_I catch my breath we're just one beating heart  
And I brace myself, please don't tear this apart...”_ **

Jared knew what Jensen wanted now, he knew how he felt, and it was all going to be fine.

 _**“I found a man I can trust** _  
_**And boy, I believe in us**_  
 _**I am terrified to love for the first time**_  
 _**Can't you see that I'm bound in chains?**_  
 _**I finally found my way**_  
 _**I am bound to you**_  
 _**I am bound to...”**_

They had made it! They had made it back home in time.

_**“Suddenly the moment's here** _   
_**I embrace my fears**_   
_**All that I have been carrying all these years**_   
_**Do I risk it all, come this far just to fall, fall?**_

_**Oh, I can trust** _   
_**And boy, I believe in us**_   
_**I am terrified to love for the first time**_   
_**Can't you see that I'm bound in chains**_   
_**And finally found my way**_   
_**I am bound to you...”**_

Just in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please tell us what you guys think in the comments! Also, hang in there for more art work!:3


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